Feeling My Age

From our favourite kitchen apron: the chart of International Maritime Signal Flags. Specialist jargon can often be entertaining – and the full list of signal meanings offers a feast of saucy innuendo – from “I have a diver down” to  “I require a tug” (don’t we all, dear)…

“I have a diver down; Keep well clear at slow speed”, “I am taking in, discharging or carrying dangerous cargo”, “Affirmative”, “Change of Course”, “Keep clear of me; I am manoeuvring with difficulty”, “I am altering my course to starboard”, “I am disabled; communicate with me”, “I require a pilot”, “I have a pilot on board”, “I am altering my course to port”, “Coming alongside”, “I am on fire and have dangerous cargo on board; Keep well clear of me”, “I wish to communicate with you”, “You should stop your vessel immediately. Come Within Hail or Follow Me”, “My vessel is stopped and making no way through the water”, “Negative”, “Man overboard”, “All personnel should report on board; the vessel is about to proceed to sea”, “My vessel is healthy and I request free pratique”, “The way is off my ship”, “My engines are going astern”, “Keep clear of me; I am engaged in pair trawling”, “You are running into danger”, “I require assistance”, “I require medical assistance”, “Stop carrying out your intentions and watch for my signals”, “I am dragging my anchor”, “I require a tug”.

I believe there are further signals available for:
“Boat recall; all boats return to ship”, “Preparing to replenish”, “Do not pass ahead of me”, “Wear Life Jackets” and – perhaps most importantly of all:

“Message is understood”

Child K has just started back at school after the summer holidays and has printed out the Periodic Table ready to take in to class. Took me back a few decades to my own days of trying to learn all this guff around… oh, 1965 or so. Except back then you couldn’t print yourself a copy off the interwebs – you had to learn it by heart from a book.

What you can also find on the internet is this naughty spoof by Robert Popper and Peter Serafinowicz from their TV Science series Look Around You. Enlarge their version of the periodic table above by clicking it, and you’ll spot some interesting new elements nestling in among the regular ones.  BBC Comedy’s page featuring the original chart – archived from 2005 – is still available here. I particularly like  Mu (music) and Kr (kryptonite).