Feeling My Age

Between the ages of 10 and 14 I sang in the choir of our local church, where the regime was High Anglican with incense and Candlemass, King James bible and the 1662 Book of Common Prayer. Despite, or perhaps because of, my vociferously atheist dad I took the classes and got confirmed into the church, and started taking regular Communion.

One reason all the Anglo-Catholic razamatazz resonated so deeply for me was that, even before my teens, I was riddled with guilt. Having been physically attracted by other boys for as long as I could remember – certainly from age six – I might not have understood the full implications of those feelings. But I was certain the secret fantasies that had me writhing nightly in bed were deeply shameful.

The first time I attended communion and heard the 1662 General Confession it hit home like an Exocet. The remembrance of my misdoings certainly was grievous unto me, and the burden of them was indeed intolerable. Faith in Our Lord Jesus Christ seemed to offer some sort of way out. At least until night time, when of course my misdoings recurred all over again. [More]

Dear Andy

Thanks so much for seeing me yesterday. I’m sure facing visitors at this point must be hugely painful, and the effort you made to receive an old friend was deeply appreciated. Thanks too for the parting kiss. It’s a moment I won’t forget, weed and advancing years notwithstanding.

Also the sudden strength in your voice when you called out as I was leaving the room, and I spun around in the corridor mid-stride to raise my hand in a farewell that turned somehow into an almost Roman salute. At that distance, in the fading daylight I caught your silhouette with your hand raised in reply and Catullus came echoing down the centuries: “et in perpetuum, frater, ave atque vale”. Except that poor fucker never had the chance to say it in person.

I guess there are two kind of brother: those we’re born with, and those we acquire along the way. I’m so thankful we acquired each other so early on in our adult lives. Your brotherhood, warmth, understanding, support, friendship and sheer hospitality have been a constant in my life these past 29 years. Whenever there were breaks, we always picked up exactly where we left off. [More]