Feeling My Age

Getting older has its drawbacks – but it's a lot better than the alternative.

Tooting Rhubarb

January 14, 2012 Feeling My Age

Last Thursday evening our whole family walked down to the Tooting Rhubarb Comedy Club, together with two schoolfriends of Child K.

Gang of Girls
Pic taken with Instagram

The venue was rammed on account of the headliner being Andrew Maxwell. His set was unfocussed and underprepared but the man has the talent and charisma to pull off a respectable 30 minutes practically in his sleep.

We enjoyed flâneur, raconteur and bon-viveur Marcel Lucont a lot more. His Stage Frenchman routine was nicely understated with some great gags, a quick wit and a slight edge of suave menace. It hinted that anyone would be extremely unwise to heckle – and nobody did. At the interval he sold copies of his book “What We French Think Of You British… And Where You Are Going Wrong.”

Lucont also gave away free cigarette packet inserts for the use of his fellow smokers. These were small tags to slip inside the cellophane with slogans such as: SMOKING IS BIG AND CLEVERCIGARETTES: SOMETHING ELSE WILL PROBABLY KILL ME FIRST and SMOKING IMPROVES JAZZ.

But for our family the highlight was host Anthony Dewson performing “When You’re Under Thirty You Know Bugger All” – shot here by Child K, whose camera hand shakes about halfway through as she and her friends become helpless with laughter.


When you’re under thirty you know bugger all
Think your life’s fascinating for no reason at all
I don’t want to hear about your gap year in Nepal
Cause when you’re under 30 you know bugger all

And you put massive speakers in your tiny shit cars
And hang outside every chicken shop that i pass
Pull up your bloody trousers we don’t want to see your arse
And stop trying to sound black when you’re white and middle-class

And with your skinny jeans and your big retro speks
You think you look so cool having unprotected sex
That’s why your all now chlamydia-ridden wrecks
So if you’re under 30 better get yourself checked

And when you leave college you write your CV
Think you’ll get a good job – you’ll be making the tea
Cause media studies is not a proper degree
But you’re cheaper to run than the coffee machine

You think you’re so clever but you’re young and you’re dumb
You mis-use the word ‘gay’ and overuse the word ‘random’
Your music’s awful – your R&B, your bass and drum
By the time you hit 30 you’ll still live with your mum

Yes you live in a bedsit, I live in a villa in Spain
You drink WKD i drink vintage Champagne
And you all take miaow miaow cause you can’t afford cocaine
But i’d willingly swap to be your age again.

There was a time back in early middle age when, like Anthony, I’d gladly have changed places with someone under thirty. But these days – see Who Would Be Young – I’m not sure.

One Comment

  1. Achtung Camel! | Feeling My Age on January 22, 2012 10:45 am

    […] mentioned Egypt and cigarette health warnings in the last two posts, here’s  a discarded German Camel packet that caught my eye at […]

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